We all have one..
{God put it on my heart about a year ago to write on this subject and instead of obedience I chose silence and didn’t write anything for a while in response. I don’t know where this will go but my prayer is that it will be an encouragement to the person who needs it because it’s absolutely not something I would set out to write for fun.}
When I was six years old my (would later be) stepbrother began molesting me. He was eventually caught and reprimanded, I on the other hand, was told nothing. I went on to believe that sexual experimentation was a part of normal play and this is what I did as well. In middle school, at my best friends sleep over party, her older brother molested me in the middle of the night and went on to tell the whole school.
I started to believe as a teen that the only way to have attention or have someone’s love was to give my body to them. I was searching for approval, love, and affection in all the wrong ways. I wanted someone to care about me but only dug myself into a deeper hole of shame, despair. I became a teen mom at 17 years old and thought that was the nail in the coffin for me. I would always be ‘that girl’; promiscuous, a liar, a cheater.. unwanted and unclean.
Sometimes you’ll read things in your Bible and think it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t apply to you but when Paul talks about sexual immorality being a sin against your own body it hits different when you know from experience that there’s something different about that kind of sin. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20) Some of these sins are hard to forget, like a nightmare that I’ve lived. Sometimes it feels like it wasn’t my life, not really my memories but that of another lost girl trying to find her way in this perverted world.
Among other things, my past is riddled with things I wish weren’t a part of my life story. Maybe you feel the same?
I wish sexual immorality wasn’t a piece of me. A piece of my past.
The Future
We all have one of those too..
The Gospel, the good news, of Jesus Christ is the best news I ever heard.
When I first got saved, I’ll be honest here, I thought to myself I do not want to rot in hell because I knew that’s where a girl like me would be for the rest of eternity. I knew who I was to the core of me. I knew all of my disgusting secrets. I knew what I had done, what I had said, things I had seen. I felt like the chief sinner instead of Paul, I knew I’d be paying for my sins. People like me can’t be in the presence of a Holy God.
I wrestled with this thought even after salvation. I believed that God could do miracles. I read about the woman with five husbands. I read about the adulteress caught in the act. I believed that I was still unworthy of such graces. There must’ve been something much more special about these women. They had a part to play in God’s bigger picture for His glory and His kingdom.
You want to read something funny?
I am unworthy of such graces given by God. So were they.
I am a part of God’s growing kingdom and His glory.
God’s grace doesn’t apply to me because I’m worthy of it, not because I’ve done enough penance and pleading for forgiveness. God’s grace is given to me because Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself of the cross and took on the sins of my past. He took on the sins of today and all those to come. His grace has nothing to do with me and all the do with Christ.
Because of Him I’m free from the shame, free from the guilt. I truly am a new creation in Christ.
You can be too.
If you don’t know Christ as your Savior you should send me an email or comment below. I’d love to have a conversation with you about Christianity and the freedom of Christ.
If you do, give Him your whole self. He already knows everything you’ve done or been through and He doesn’t want you to carry these burdens.
The Millennial Mom 
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